I am very fortunate to belong to a group of adoptive moms who have or are in the process of adopting. Adoption is a different world than that of birth parenting. Not all the time, but often enough. We may wish it weren't, but it often is. But when there are other moms to share both the burdens and the joys with, moms who have walked every - and I mean every - possible path that lies before us already, we have such amazing resources to draw strength & wisdom from.
One of the gals in the group wrote such a beautiful piece today about her adoption experience. It provides a glimpse into the adoptive family experience... the walk of hope and faith taken by the family that ventures forward into adoption. I attach it here, with appreciation to Johanna, who wrote it.
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I've always said that there's no difference between international and domestic adoptions. But, for us there absolutely was.
First, there's the obvious way the U.S. system treats you with disdain and suspicion versus the international system where you are generally met as competent and a partner once you've passed a homestudy.
But, for my 3 boys the big difference we have discovered is intent. The abuse done to Ansu was horrific. When he peed the bed in the orphanage, he was tied up in the courtyard, naked. The aunties would then throw ash on him and beat him and taunt him. This was THE punishment for peeing the bed. No child should ever have to endure that.
Yet, Ansu is really not bogged down by that. He struggled with the horrors done by soldiers to the innocent and hisown loved ones. But, he never had an expectation that orphanage aunties were supposed to do anything to show love and concern for him. They never professed to love him. In his own mind, they were paid caregivers, not mother substitutes.
Ansu had a mother and father who loved him dearly. No matter what happened in his life between losing them and gaining us, he held out hope by the knowledge that he was dearly loved by his mother and father. If he could just have a mother and father again, then he would be loved and safe.
Chetan's mother died giving birth to him. But, his father dearly loved him. His father broke his own heart to ensure Chetan had the chance to live. No matter what his life had after that point, the legacy of his father's love and sacrifice was passed with him. We were giving by several first person accounts the depth of the love his father had for him. And, we have instilled in him the depth of his father's love.
There's another part to the story of both boys. Their families were both Christian in nations where Christianity was NOT the dominate religion I know for a fact that Ansu's family prayed for him and sought out a Christian orphanage to ensure a Christian family would adopt him. Chetan's father sent him with his Baptismal cross. It was lost but the image is permanently captured in a video where it is still clearly seen. So, I know Chetan's father prayed for him.
This is a powerful legacy of love for our sons. Families who fought for them, prayed for them and the adoption of these boys into another Believing family, the answer to the prayers of families unable to raise children they loves.
Micah comes from domestic adoption. He does not have a legacy of love in his first 6 years of life. His biological parents couldn't be bothered to even take him to the doctor. His foster mother housed him for a paycheck. She did not personally abuse him but she turned a blind eye while her own son left scars of his attacks all over Micah's body. There were no prayers over this child, no legacy of love, not one attempt to fight for him. These were not people doing their best for him. These were not people protecting him, loving him, caring for him. These were people who ignored him, left him to suffer, abused him, starved him, watched him wither up and his body shut down and remained heartless as he struggled for the most basic of human needs, to bring oxygen int his body and did nothing. His ability to breath was so compromised when we brought him home it brought his new doctors to tears and curses. And that was the fault of his social workers, his former doctors and his foster mother.
As you may recall a few of those same players then fought hard and vicious to deny us the right to provide those things for him which they denied him.
Can you get the Micahs in international adoption? Absolutely. Eastern Europe is notorious for the Micahs because they use orphanages and international adoption in lieu of our own fostercare system. There are even plenty of known similar cases in Ansu's birth country. But, in international adoption, you also get the Ansus and the Chetans. You get loved children who entered orphanages because loving and concerned parents were at the end of their abilities and social services didn't exist. You get the dynamic of adoption being about overtaxed social services and needing some way to reclaim a chance for life for these kids.
And, if there is one thing that adoption has taught me, its this. Children who belong to someone are treated differently. Once Micah ceased to be nobody's child and became MY son, his care improved. It's not all because I demand it for him, though I do. It's not just because he has private health insurance, though he does. It's because he is MY son. And children who belong to someone are distinguished from the masses and love and care are conferred upon them. Ansu and Chetan carried the legacy of that belonging upon them as they navigated the world of not belonging. It sustained them until the umbrella of our love and belonging could cover them.
Foster kids usually don't belong. They don't have their own history of love to hold them up, and they don't carry that umbrella of protection as they go.
I do think that you can see much the same things in domestic versus international adoptions. But, I think its far more common and likely in domestic situations than international ones.
Johanna
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