Baby I'm Amazed

Jerusalem, Evi, Nathaniel and Ani... with #5 arriving in August!

One of my all-time favorite songs, "Baby I'm Amazed" has been sung by a handful of major artists. Other than being able to apply these lyrics to how I feel about my husband; it reflects a lot of the feelings I have when God "comes through" and surprises me, yet again, in His answers to my prayers, especially when I cannot see an answer in a 1,000 mile radius. Yes, indeed, with God, "I don't know how you do the things You do."

If there is any reason why I needed to have the life that I do - a life full of unpredictable twists and turns, hurts and hopes - it is to bring me again and again and again to that very place. To that place where I cannot credit myself for the good that comes of the mess I make. Every day I step forward. Some days those legs are shaky. The seas are too rough and I am too easily cast about. When I remember "a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways" I change my mind. If it is a day when I cannot see clearly, then I do best when I give up my ideas (which by this time are more confusing thoughts and fears than actual ideas) and just let "Jesus Take the Wheel" . After all, He can't drive any worse than I do ;)

Like any person does, I think about what life woulda coulda been like had I made different choices. There are plenty of things about me I would like to have worked on harder to have changed sooner. But then, maybe I wouldn't be so clear on just how much I need God in my life. Holding my life up to His standards, His teachings, is an uncomfortable experience. He doesn't purposefully make them hard, we do. He lays out the path to freedom and peace, and we want to knock down the fence because we're convinced that life must be better on the other side. We don't want to struggle in life. We don't want to wait. We want what we vainly conceive others have and we don't. We're all that dog looking over the edge of the bridge into the water, only to see his reflection and believe that another dog had another bone which he also wanted. If we bark, if we demand to get what we think others have, we will drop the bone we have and be left with nothing, and that "other" dog will disappear in the splash. Our greediness will cost us all.

So... I can greedily desire a better house, car, kids, life. But I have the sneaking suspicion that I've got a LOT better than I even deserve. In fact, I can be sure of it. I am blessed. I get frustrated with children who don't wish to agree with me. I have failed to teach them contentment in whatever circumstances they find themselves. Or they have failed to learn. Either way, I cannot know for sure, so just keep on working on it. And not forget to pray.

See, I get lost in thinking that *I* can have more influence than God could. Silly, silly woman. Hmmm, wanted to post pics of grandkids, and found Adelaina's file empty. Grrr, just love when peeps mess with the files... some precious pics that are not replaceable there. But I did manage to get one of everybody!

Alex, Jaime & Mya


Adelaina & Christina in March 2009